I’m unsure about the word “transitioning.” I don’t think it applies to me. I’m not traveling anywhere. I’m just getting more comfortable.
When I presented as female, I always felt somewhat awkward or wrong. When I first cut my hair short at 13, I acted hurt when one of my best friends said I looked like a boy, but part of me was thrilled.
When I realized I was genderqueer in 2014, I thought I wouldn’t have to change anything. I was curious about binding, but since I have asthma, I didn’t think that would be an option for me.
My needs have changed over the past few years. I fall further along the masculine side of the gender scale than I used to , which is why I now refer to myself as transmasculine as well as gender. My asthma hasn’t flared up in years, so in November of last year, I bought a binder. From the moment I put it on, I felt a thousand times better about my appearance. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable my breasts made me until I saw myself without them.
In March of this year, I realized that I want top surgery. I want a stereotypically masculine chest. I want to go shirtless at the pool. I want to decorate my chest with tattoos–like a seahorse for me, a guy who can carry babies.
But even in March, I still didn’t think I wanted to go on testosterone. I knew I wanted to look more stereotypically masculine than I did, but I thought that T would immediately turn me into some super-buff guy, which isn’t exactly what I wanted. Then I found read blogs written by nonbinary people who are on low doses of testosterone. Micah at Neutrois Nonsense has a great resource for low dose T. JanitorQueer also talks about low dose T. After reading through both of these blogs, I looked up at my wife and said, “Babe, I think I want to go on T. But a low dose? Like a really low dose.”
My wife, God bless her, said, “Okay!”
I’ve been on T for a couple of months now. I’m actually on a fairly high dose right now, .4 every week, but since my progress has been very slow, I’m okay with it. I feel more confident in myself and in my appearance now. I wish my voice would drop already instead of cracking and squeaking all over the place, but isn’t that the struggle of all testosterone-fueled people during puberty? I’m now comfortable with the new, more square and masculine shape of my face. I don’t have to deal with the dysphoria that comes with periods anymore. And since I started T, my chronic stomach issues have basically disappeared.
If I ever need a break from T, I can go off of it. I’ll get more body fat again, and my periods will come back, but my voice will stay pretty low. And if I ever want to get pregnant, I can if and when I go off T for a while.
This has been a hard year for me personally. I think it would have been infinitely more difficult if I weren’t on T. I can’t control the people around me, and I can’t always help everyone, but I can use all of the resources available to me in order to be comfortable with who I am.